Man Uts are back, back, back, baby…
There’s some Man Utd giddiness in the media after the Reds beat one of the worst teams in the Premier League.
Full kit tanker
Mediawatch had to double-check the Premier League table on Monday morning and confirm that yes, Manchester United are still in 13th, a full 11 points away from a likely Champions League qualification place.
Because, well, this confused us in the Daily Telegraph:
‘Manchester United oil tanker may finally be turning’
Which is one hell of a way to report a 3-0 win over one of the worst teams in Premier League history who have now lost six straight Premier League games without scoring a single goal.
Even this massive, creaking Manchester United oil tanker surely could not run aground in the calm blue, welcoming seas of Leicester City.
‘Manchester United’s supporters noisily insist Ruben Amorim will bring the glory days again and, finally, it does appear that this giant oil tanker is creaking into life,’ writes John Percy.
‘The chant for Amorim echoed around King Power Stadium for long periods as United won consecutive league games for the first time this season, with Rasmus Hojlund and Alejandro Garnacho both ending their long waits for goals.’
Pesky fact: Manchester United have not won consecutive league games all season; they drew 1-1 with Arsenal in their last Premier League fixture.
Another pesky fact: Manchester United are 13th in the Premier League form table having literally only triumphed over two relegation-bound teams over the last six games.
Other than that, United are back, back and obviously and clearly back. Whoop.
When is a defeat actually a draw?
Mediawatch understands the desperation for Manchester United to be remotely good again but this from David McDonnell in the Daily Mirror is a reach…
‘United extended their unbeaten run to seven games in all competitions, with Fernandes providing two assists and scoring the third to move Amorim’s side up to 13th.’
Technically, they might be unbeaten in seven; but call us old-fashioned but we suspect Fulham consider themselves the actual winners of the FA Cup clash between the two clubs two weeks ago. After all, ‘winning’ the penalty shoot-out earned them a place in the next round. That’s a pretty big clue.
Oddly, David McDonnell of the Daily Mirror also considered this a Manchester United defeat when he wrote on March 2: ‘Amorim has now lost 10 of his 25 games in charge, a dismal return for a man who arrived as one of the brightest young managers in Europe, but who has seen that status wrecked by the reputation-wrecker that is the modern-day United.’
Just two weeks later it has magically become just one of seven matches in an ‘unbeaten run’.
It’s not the Manchester United oil tanker that is turning but the Manchester United media…
The times they are a…
Talking of the Manchester United media, the propaganda machine that is the Manchester Evening News brings us this…
‘What Manchester United staff did after Rasmus Hojlund scored shows how their season is changing’
‘Their season is changing so much’ that they are now up to 13th for the first time since early February. Whoop.
And what did the ‘Manchester United staff’ do?
‘Some of the United staff members broke press box etiquette and celebrated more wildly than when Amad won the FA Cup quarter-final against Liverpool a year ago.’
What you’re describing there, guys, is pure desperation and relief. Maybe change ‘season’ for ‘club’ and it works.
Statistics and sh*t
Forgive Mediawatch for the self-indulgent geekery for a second but this particular brand of lazy-arsed shite sets our teeth on edge…
‘How 11th place in the Premier League could get into Europe thanks to Newcastle’s Carabao Cup win’
Firstly, 11th place could pretty much always get into Europe this season; it just takes a peculiar and largely ludicrous set of circumstances to happen.
Secondly, if anything this scenario gets more fantastical now Newcastle have won the Carabao Cup final as they are far, far more likely to need their Conference League place than Liverpool ever were.
But congratulations to The Sun for seeing this tweet…
The Premier League outline a scenario where the ELEVENTH-placed team could qualify for Europe this season.😮 pic.twitter.com/41t9N61jed
— Ben Jacobs (@JacobsBen) March 16, 2025
…and somehow getting entirely the wrong end of the stick.
Oh and we feel duty-bound to point out that Newcastle do not have to finish in the top five for this scenario to happen. But let’s face it, it’s just about the least unlikely part of a ridiculous equation.
The headline – if there really must be one – should read: ‘How 11th place in the Premier League could get into Europe thanks to an almost impossible set of circumstances.’
Villa winning the Champions League? Sure, that could happen. Man United in the top half? No f***ing chance.
