I threw my Mother out for my Wife // SAY IT LIKE IT IS – Ep 179
I threw my Mother out for my Wife // SAY IT LIKE IT IS – Ep 179
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This has happened to me. It's crazy, I been subscriber for so long but you really spoke to me today! My mother is the same. I am African but married European wife. Were in the UK. She showed a massive dislike to my decision to marry someone of different ethnicity from the start. She said, very nasty things to me and my wife prior to our wedding, during our wedding and after. Couple of years went by. I had a big surgery and my wife had a C-section after giving birth to twins and my mother invited herself to come and stay at our house under the guise that she was going to "help" us. She also asked us to pay for her time which we did. She stayed one week and a half. Everyday was a nightmare. She complained that my wife was moving slowly, that we were not feeding our newborns in a style and technique suited to her customs. Each time she said such hurtful things, I stepped in and warned her. She hated it that she could not control us. Even in our individual struggle, we stood for our right. So she started to saying hurtful racist things to me in front of my wife and kids. I had enough by then and asked her to leave. She lived 15 mins away from me and she drove so I was not putting her at any risk. She refused and and really escalated the situation. We had newborns and We were both recovering from surgery. The police were called and she finally left. I should have known it was not the end. Weeks later she filled a report to Social Services falsely claiming we were abusing our kids and that she wanted them to take our kids from us. We went through hell an back for months dealing with this, but we were proven to be excellent parents. Many years have gone by since I last called her my mum. I almost forget who she is.
my question is, why dod they not get the police involved? why would you let people get away with crime just because they are related to you? why would you want someone who is violent around your children? when are Africans going to realise that the law should be the law for everyone? no one is better than the other, it should be applied equally to everyone. this is the only way that Africans will learn that they cannot bring their behaviour to the west
One aspect of this reality of the mother monstor is our own African cultures of patriarchy and misogyny. Often women take on the work of abusing other women, mother's hurt their daughters, sisters compete, it can be both physical and emotional violence. And all over Africa and in a lot of traditionalist culture (ask a woman friend you know from Pakistan or Afghanistan, even Korea or Albania) the moment the new bride arrives the Mother in Law and the women of the husbands family put that wife through hell. Also a lot of times a son is the only path of power for a woman. The son is the only gurantor of a place in the world if her own husband passes away and also in her old age. Remember sitll today in Africa a woman can be called a witch, that she can be blamed for her husband's death as a widow, be blamed for not conceiving a male child or any children at all, and all other manner of cruel social deaths. I am not excusing the meddling mother but we cannot pretend that there isn't a larger, deeper, more ingrained and embedded culture of the suffering woman back home. I like a popular phrase in America that "hurt people hurt people." There is no generational curse older than that of how women are treated and traded, bargained for and beaten, used and abused in the human experience. She is not just a personal harassment and embarrassment, she is our cultural inheritance.
May God Bless Me , My Husband and My Children. When I do become a mother-in-law, i will jejely stay in MY HUSBAND'S HOUSE..If they want to spend time with me, come to my house. I ain't bringing no toxicity to nobody's marriage. I don't even tolerate it in mine so 🤷♀️🤷♀️
My man prefers telling his mom about hi plans instead of me and sharing some vital information with her instead of me..i just don’t get it
Good for him! He has to protect his home because that is his sanity. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 His mother made him choose.
The music is very distracting
My mom got divorced, my Nigerian dad took his physics PhD and ran from child support. Then I finally find a wife and she wants to sabotage my marriage because I have happiness she never could achieve. I kicked her to the curb too. She sent my son old muddy boots for his birthday, she referred to my wife as "that woman," and now that she's cut off she's sending mail to our new address which I never gave her. My mother is a true covert narcissist. Everyone thinks she's some Catholic saint, except for the people who saw how she beat her kids. Good riddance mom!
I am heartbroken 😢 again today when I remember when my relationship with my mom broke couples of years ago when my mom visited me in US she turn my daughter against me disrespect me in front of my daughter she call my best friend to my house and she she put a bandage on her finger and told my friend that I hurt her I was so embarrassed after that I realised something evil have took over my mom I felt like I lost my loving mom that I use to know anyway the worst is done my daughter sudden change towards me I believe was supernatural now I felt like my daughter is possessed ever since my mother left I vowed not to ever bring her back to US she destroy my daughter it's very sad😪😪
Good video good point. Women is their fellow women problem. Mother in laws are foundation of 90 to 95 percentage problem in marriage. But this the crazy part that woman complaining of her mother in law today grows old to be a burden to her son or daughter tomorrow.
I tend to differ a bit here, sometimes there are things your mother can see that you cannot. Depending on the situation, I always believe that a mother wants the best for his child, some wives are manipulative and see the mother as competition. When your money is gone and the wife goes too, your mother will always be there for you no matter what. So I think a man should not choose sides but try and understand where the comflict is coming from, talk to both parties and let them understand that they both play important roles, alienation is not the solution. I know people who forget their mothers/parents after being married so I don't see why you cannot stay with your mother for as long as she likes, she's the person who gave up everything for you to be where you are today. I would do anything for my mum and yes I will tell my wife to respect my mum too. And It is a true fact that you cannot replace your mum but a woman can divorce you and get another man if your not meeting her needs.
I'm addicted to your videos, Thanks so much.
I agree 100%, a man has to protect his wife. Mothers should respect boundaries.
THANKZ PHRANKLEEN SIR, MINE IS OPPOSIT .
This son-mother enmeshment is a common problem in our African culture. Instead of forming a wife-husband bond with their husbands our mothers formed that bond with their sons instead. It's really toxicity and dysfunction guised as culture. Some even go further to what we call Emotional Incest. Look up a book called "When He is Married to Mom" by Kenneth M. Adams
Your saying I'm attacking someone I don't know because I said it wrong to treat your mum in a despicable and disrespectful way. Grow up!!! I quoted from the Bible what God says how to treat your mother and what will happen if you don't treat you mother in the correct way. If your feel that disgruntled go on your knees and ask God for guidance. And its obvious that you don't like to listening to an opposing views. Those who knows it feels it. What you should be doing is taking on board what I said and think about the view point not get defensive because I have did agree with you. I even went further to say why it's wrong to disrespect your mother who bought you into the world and made sacrifices for you so that you can be the man/woman you are today. listen to yourself. YOU ARE WRONG and that's that regards what you call me. Further you want to disrespect me by coming back at me. it's also obvious that you don't respect your elders that's wrong with the world today.
@phrankleen, I always agree with most of your analysis but on this I actually disagree. His mother was absolutely out of line and she cannot be justified! But she is his mother! Without her, there is no him! Some might say that counts for nothing but thats their problem. I believe, he could have been diplomatic in handling the situation no matter how hard, because it involves his mother! The pain she went through in child birth alone can never be paid back not to talk of in his upbringing. And check this, it might not be manifested now but those attitudes the wife see in the mother in-law are most likely ingrained in her husband as well because she constitutes 50% of his genes and the apple never falls too far from the tree. So if she's not able to manage the mother in-law, she might not know what is coming. Also, no one knows where their relationship would go, if it does hit the rocks then he's lost his mother. Also, it sounds like the siblings do have a relationship with his mum so there definitely is something untoward going on in his home. Or he is simply not man enough to manage his relationships like a man should! It's definitely not manly for him to kick out his own mother! Where does he expect her to go?
What these mother in law forget is that they were brides once…
No I don't agree with you throwing her out on the street. He must of known what his mum was like before he invited her over. Plus it is obvious your not aware that some older women are cantankerous and they get worse with age so you could have dealt with this issue much better. The Bible say's 'Honour your father and your mother' (Exodus 20:12), and it says, '. It also says, 'Every person must respect his mother and his father' (Leviticus19:3). Bearing patiently with their failures is easier if we remember that we are ultimately honoring God THROUGH honoring our parents.
It doesn't say only when everything's good or only honour our parents when we are getting on with your wife.
What you could have done is shared the responsibility with your other family members or just communicate with your mother and set boundaries before she came to Canada. As a older woman I lost my mum 25 years ago and I'm telling you all who still have a mother alive. Love them, forgive them cherish them because a day will come when they are no longer here and that day will be the worse day of your life. There are days I still cry for my mother and I wish she was here talking to me right now. I will just end with that this person in question needs to grow up and if his wife was a decent woman she would have not allowed this to happen. If he could do this to is mother then what will he do to his wife when things don't go his way. This is a major red flag in my books. Also isn't funny that his wife parents are around them and their grandchildren but his mother and grandchildren are suffering.
Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” and this is what I quote to my children.
the guy is right to put her out, the mother was way off, and the worst part if the mother was in the same position she wouldn't want to be treated like that, the bible said leave your mother and father and become one flesh. and any man that would side with is mother for dissing is wife worst the mother of his kids, then that man should be with his mother in the way he would with his wife, leave other woman alone.
Violence is never acceptable. Once you allow it to happen without consequences it will only escalate.
God bless you broda, am completely with you on this. Protect ur home, very important.
100% agree with you !
I like when guys stand up to their mothers.
Some mothers thinks they can get away with bad and nasty behaviours because they are "mothers". No!
U show them the door!
Isn’t it depressing that another woman (MIL) can get jealous of another woman (Wife to son) because she, MIL, never received loved in her life?
Imagine being jealous of your own son’s love life. Like what the hell?
She was counting on MUM-Immunity aka parent-immunity , you can kill his wife with a glas blender, he will apologize to you cause you own his live and marital life as well based on you giving birth to him.
In the last few years I have come to understand that my peace & peace of mind is important and comes first before any culture or respect that others think they can put over me. If a family member is trouble and all they bring to you is anxiety, fear, trouble etc cut them out and protect your own peace of mind. These people do not care about you. if you fail they will be the first to kick you while you're down. PROTECT YOUR PEACE OF MIND PEOPLE, CUT OUT ANYONE OR ANYTHING THAT TROUBLES THAT. God first and then your family. Extended family members should know their place.
Parents should leave their children, to their own devices!
His mother owes him and his wife an apologies periodt! If your mother is not replacable, well marry her. Sure your dad won't mind🙄
You are so RIGHT ADMIN. This is what most African Parents don't get to understand, that, once their sons/daughters are MARRIED, they have to find a way to leave space not to interfere with their marital lives.
Even the Bible is in support of it. A man/woman will leave his father and mother alone and cling with his/her husband/wife.
Parents have to understand it. It's not about them anymore but about the new home their sons/daughters have built or will be building……..
In this life, we can't carry family matter on our should always. We just have to find a way to be respectful. But, if none of the in-laws are not ready to know their boundaries, then, the best is to ask them to LEAVE. This isn't about "blood", it's about saving ur HOME and having PEACE OF MIND……..
AFRICANS, LET'S DO BETTER INSTEAD OF ENTITLEMENTS……
He needs to forgive his mother… His mother needs to respect his wife. He needs to say sorry out of respect and he should have put her in motel or find a room for her… Genesis 2:24 New International Version (NIV)
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Definitely stand your ground brother. It’s funny how it’s other people calling him but not the mother. That shows no remorse and it’s unacceptable for the moving on process. She started and it is very important, again for emphasis, very important for her to finish it.
We make the mistake of confusing/interchanging forgiveness and reconciliation; they are not mutually exclusive. This brother and his wife do not need his mother to do any work for them to forgive her actions and her a person but they need her to work on restoring the relationship (reconciliation). So if we understand that, we can move on the next…
In my opinion, this brother needs to put terms and conditions (I will explain why in a bit) in place should the mother reach out to him.
– apologies to his wife whilst he is present:
– there needs to be a clear explanation articulating the reasons for her actions, why she thought that was the best route, what she aimed to gain and having done all that, what would she do differently, how have her perceptions over those issues changed? If she can’t express herself on these matters, she’s not self-reflected and is still standing tall in her misdeeds, reconciliation could mean she is successful in breaking your home the 2nd time round, she’ll play the long game.
– I’m sorry is not enough,
– begging is not necessary (which is an emotional blackmail tool African parents tend to use on their children)
– any attempt to push blame on the wife or anyone else is a red flag
– if husband and wife are happy with this apology (wife needs to be content and if not explain why to husband) agree on the first stage of reconciliation would look like. You cannot just go back to the way things were because the way things were, was bad. So set boundaries and define roles. These are the T&Cs I was talking about.
T&Cs are not necessary in relationships like this but when you have parties that are disrespectful (anyone can be disrespectful, a father can disrespect his 5 year old child), it is necessary.
Can I also use this opportunity to highlight that our culture helps to mask mental and emotional disorders that are rampant in our homes, offices, churches, mosques e.t.c. We have victims and survivors who don’t even realise what they are going through or have gone through. Think about narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy in all its spectrum and other pathologies. Educate yourself about these things and use your experience or that of people close to you as a case study and you’ll see how common these things are.
Mental and emotional disorders do not discriminate, not even by race, nationality or culture. Let’s learn to spot it and call it by its name.