Gary Neville and Peter Drury is not a utopian combination

It was a ‘miserable’ old time listening to Peter Drury and Gary Neville on Sky Sports but Liverpool icon Rafa Banitez showed ‘how good punditry can be’.

This week, I’m just looking specifically at commentators and their co-comms. There are dozens of commentators, especially with Sky showing every EFL game. It goes without saying that every single one is well prepared with research, facts and figures. There’s a basic standard that they all meet. In that sense there are no ‘bad’ commentators who just get everything wrong and to a large extent we just have subjective feelings about them. I can’t think of one that’s not up to speed but some are frankly more annoying than others, while some could be an AI robot and lack originality.

For Leicester’s relegation-form thrashing against Brentford, the commentator was Pien Meulensteen. A relative newcomer, it was nice to see her get a Friday night game after a 5 Live summer at the Euros. She’s a precise commentator and doesn’t seem to feel the need to talk over everything all the time, particularly things which are blatantly obvious. Definitely one of the less wordy commentators. She also lacks any idiosyncrasies that make you eat the carpet in frustration. Pleasingly, she’s stat light and at times pleasantly colloquial, saying “it’s really chuckin’ it down” when the rain falls hard.

At the same time England were in Portugal in the women’s Nations League. ITV were the broadcaster, Seb Hutchinson on the mic with the ubiquitous Lucy Ward. It feels quite a low-key game but Seb doesn’t flag and the conversation is relaxed, good and informative.

Joe Rawson does the Bristol City v Boro game. He sounds like a radio commentator transposed to TV, as does David Phillips, his ex-player co-comm. I don’t know his background but I suspect he’s done reports for Soccer Saturday. Good to hear different voices.

Burnley v Sheffield Wednesday was worked by David Stowell who has been a commentator for 15 years. A crisp, undemonstrative performer, it can’t have been an easy game to do when Burnley, in third, have only conceded nine goals and scored less than 18th-placed Portsmouth. Excitement is exactly not guaranteed and even though they won 4-0 somehow, when I saw it, it felt like a 0-0.

Everton v Manchester United benefitted from the excellent Adam Summerton and Coisty who says “Adam” at the end of sentences a lot, Adam. A front-foot pairing, they make the game vibrant and good Saturday afternoon entertainment, spoiled only by the concept and performance of the VAR.

Rob Hawthorne is doing the Villa v Chelsea match. He’s just always there. A familiar voice, he’s been at Sky for 30 years, though I remember him on 5 Live in the first half of the ’90s. Very much the Rich Tea in the commentator’s box of biscuits. Reliable and without adornment. A consistent commentator, he’s without gimmicks or ticks. Not as conversational and chatty as some, nor as fact and stat replete. He sticks to the basics.

A first trip to Europe to watch Inter Milan v Genoa managed by Patrick Viera, commentated on by Matt Smith and Nigel Spackman who are working off tube. Pretty laid back and observational, both are well-versed in Serie A and give a good appraisal. Comforting Saturday night work. They should be congratulated on a relaxed, informative game, even though it was unusually dull, which the boys don’t shy away from at all, calling it disappointing at half time.

St. Johnstone v Hearts in some brutal weather with the excitable Ian Crocker was Sunday lunchtime’s entertainment. Working with Chris Sutton, Ian – a long-time servant to Scottish football – could make a prayer meeting sound like a party.

But Peter Drury on the other hand could make a party sound like a Roman orgy with his histrionics. I don’t mind most of the time, but it just turns everything up to 11. It’s just football, not a visitation from aliens. I’ve highlighted the full name shouting as they strike the ball before. It is OK once or twice but it’s almost every time. It’s annoying and very intrusive. We can usually see who it is anyway. He could mention it in a manner that didn’t suggest he has explosive diarrhoea. It’s rarely so dramatic to justify the hyperbole.

For example, he was commentating when Manchester United scored that first early goal against Ipswich. “Utopia,” bellowed Peter. What? It was an early goal, not a Utopia. I mean, obviously. I know what he’s getting at but it’s way over the top and creakingly pre-prepared at that, I assume, as surely ‘Utopia’ isn’t most people’s first word to come to mind when a goal is scored. Maybe the civilians who just watch the big game want this style, but I find myself mentally cringing ahead of an attack because I know what’s coming. He was doing Man City v Liverpool with Gary Neville.

Much of the time he’s quite quiet, and with a crowd near silent and completely reactive, at times I check the mute button isn’t on. But then out of nowhere it’s YELL A NAME, often in a burst, so it’s quite shocking, as opposed to exciting. Like shouting in church. It’s not a warm or friendly relationship with Nev, either, of the type we hear elsewhere. That might not all be his fault but it is noticeable. He seems programmed to shout MO SALAH whenever he’s 20 yards from goal. It’s unnecessary because he might be the most well-known footballer in the country. But this urgent insistence is, to my ears, sonically unpleasant. I think he lost a tonsil yelling SZOBOSZLAI. Then it all goes quiet until the next outburst.

He’s been around for ages, I’m not sure he was always like this extreme, it seems to have developed relatively recently, almost in self-parody. I always put the radio on and mute the TV, it’s like night and day, the difference in quality. He wins awards, though, so a lot of people must like it, so it might just be me and my taste. It’s actually quite a miserable 90 minutes with Gary sounding like a dour undertaker at times, comfortably the least adequate of the week.

Paul Dempsey is more interesting on Cagliari v Juventus in contrast. It’s a much more even performance, with Adam Virgo, without the lulls and shouting out of names at every opportunity. It doesn’t mean you can’t raise your voice in excitement at an attack. Just that it’s not rigidly formulaic and more natural. It’s a relief. Everything is broken down and explained between them. Quality. It really is the finest league in Europe if you value technique over running around like a headless chicken, covered by 20 broadcasters worldwide, in case you think there’s no interest.

On Monday, Sky got on board with an increasing trend for stupid Brexit mug (no I’m not letting it go, his obvious idiocy cost me money and heartache), Chris Wilder’s Sheffield United v Leeds at Bramall Lane. I’ve seen cricket played there, you know. A draw with Lancashire in August 1973 – their last game there, I think. It had been a Yorkshire cricket ground since 1855. Two co-comms (Michael Brown and Andy Hinchcliffe) with commentator Gary Weaver. TNT has done this before and it usually seems excessive, with them interrupting each other, but here, with two good co-comms, it works well, though it does sideline Weaver a bit as both are distinctive voices and great at filling out the scene. It makes the whole game far more discursive. Weaver does well to be the ham in their sandwich. It’s a great broadcast and as ever with the relentless, dirty Leeds, an absolutely thrilling, joyful game. Different class.

Midweek, Wolves v Fulham was nobody’s appointment to view. Jacqui Oatley did it with Glenn Hoddle. It was a tame affair compared to Leeds the previous night. Fair play to them filling the air with chat in lieu of any interesting football. It can’t have been easy. I saw 20 minutes and wished I hadn’t. There were goals later, maybe it improved.

Ian Darke got lucky in a raft of uninspiring games; he worked a decent Brighton v Bournemouth with Nigel Spackman. For years he was Martin Tyler’s support act at Sky but has been at whoever is not Sky for over ten years. He brings loads of experience and that natural knowledge you get from just watching lots of football for decades. Doesn’t annoy with witless blathering. Excellent game. Different quality to Wolves or Chelsea.

The thought of Chelsea v Southampton hardly sets your hair alight. Darren Fletcher does the comms. He does his best having been dealt a poor hand, trying to invite comments from his co-comms, Coisty and Rio, at one point inviting Rio to comment on the fact Chelsea don’t have a regular centre-back pairing, to which Rio repeats that they haven’t got a regular centre-back pairing for some reason, adding that most successful sides do. It’s like this throughout with really painfully obvious observations passed off as insight that literally any viewer could make.

Thankfully he’s quiet for much of the time. Fletch, fair play to him, makes the best of it. Coisty, verbal tics aside, is much better with him anyway, he really is, and is twice the co-comm of Rio. Then again, so would you be, even if you were sedated. Call me naive but I don’t doubt Rio’s wisdom and understanding is in there, just his ability to conjure and cohere it. Could be wrong though.

I don’t know why producers don’t take them aside and tell them under no circumstances just describe what we’ve all just seen, and fine them every time they do. Happens time and again and is pointless and infuriating. Imagine being paid to say ‘he’s come down the right, crossed it and it’s been headed in at the back post’. Worse still, thinking, ‘he’s headed it down – that’s what we were always taught – back where it came from,’ qualifies as insight unavailable to any non-ex-player. Though there’s goals, it’s poor football and not in a good way, unless you support Chelsea. I only saw most of it because it kicked off late. Dreadful. Embarrassingly awful game, passing itself off as something better, but very Barclays.

More games on Wednesday with Rafa Benitez at Anfield showing how good punditry can be. Rafa is ace, a genial sort of uncle who you’re always pleased to see. Commentators and pundits were drawn from the same or usual pool. Paul Dempsey and Robbie Savage were covering the Manchester United game with impressive deconstruction of the awful United. Often detailed and thoughtful, Robbie saying how predictable they are. Since being a manager he has become more analytical and far more interesting. His discussion of the misuse of Garnacho made a lot of sense.

The England v Spain game was handled well by Seb Hutchinson and Siobhan Chamberlain, reflecting the tension involved in a 1-0 win. Seb flies under the radar a bit but is always a straightforward, articulate presence and is good on women’s football.

Thursday brought the choice between watching West Ham v Leicester City or Barrow v Carlisle; it was no contest. It was south Cumbria and Holker Street for a well attended, semi-local derby for me. Noisy and atmospheric, played on a manky pitch, perfect. Everything West Ham isn’t. Commentator was Andy Bishop, who’s been around the periphery of football broadcasting in several roles for a while. He worked the game with the co-comm with the longest name, Courtney Sweetman-Kirk. Mark Hughes’ substantial thighs are manager at Carlisle these days. They are 24th in the fourth tier, Barrow are 18th. What I liked about this is the innate respect they give it, even in the fourth tier, even though Carlisle are in a sickly mint green and mauve strip that looks like a box of tissues.

Andy is a good, clear commentator and illustrates points with stats and his co-comm avoids the say-what-you-see cliches. There are plenty of good comms in lower-league coverage who could do well higher up. It’s a good game, Leicester seem much worse than Carlisle at defending, but the game is better and more entertaining than the half hour I spent at the London Stadium, which was a typical rotten, scrapy sort of game the Premier League specialises in but likes to think only exists abroad, in a Trump-style projection. Absolute insulting dross. If this was the second tier nothing would make you think it wasn’t. Don’t be blinded by the marketing; this was absolutely boring and low value on all levels.

Co-comms are better than they once were, with some notable, really poor exceptions. Scottish games are generally served well commentator-wise. The best in England is, I think, Adam Summerton, with Andy Hinchcliffe being the most enthusiastic, almost puppyish co-comm, who obviously enjoys his role, but it’s a tight field.