People Raised by Extremely Strict Parents: How Has That Affected You as an Adult?
People Raised by Extremely Strict Parents: How Has That Affected You as an Adult?
Growing up with extremely strict parents can have lasting effects on individuals well into adulthood. This discussion explores the impact of such upbringing on personal development, relationships, decision-making, and overall well-being. Share your experiences, insights, and coping strategies in navigating life as an adult shaped by strict…
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Raised by a strict mother. Became anxious, especially socially, indecisive, short tempered, struggles with self advocacy, have trouble saying no, no friends outside of the internet, keeping secrets (especially about my money), and so burned out that my day to day life feels tiring sometimes.
Honestly, when are we gonna admit that 'strict' parents are just abusive? They're just as damaging as the laidback and even negligent or absentee parents.
I grew up knowing I didn't own anything and that it was a privilege to live there no privacy, no choices.
I became super protective of myself to the point i struggle with trusting anyone. I was depressed and suicidal for more than 10yrs. I grew up feeling abandoned and the loneliest among my blood family. I had to learn how to speak up for myself from the age of 25 coz i wasn't allowed to speak for myself. I have no relationship with my dad and i swear all i feel for him is indifference. My mother is died.
I was raised by a strict single mother. I am very much a people pleaser, have trouble looking people in the eye, takes me years to get to know people, and I am an introvert. I spend most of my time at home avoiding everyone, and I am good at quickly identifying problematic people and stealthily avoiding them. However, I still have no clue who I am or what to do with myself. I’m definitely a hot mess.
My Chinese parents are probably about as authoritarian as Asian parents can get. Add that to my mother's tendency to be narcissistic and both my parents being ultra-traditional, and that's exactly why I refuse to date anyone or get close to anyone without being absolutely sure. To me, dating was like Russian roulette: dangerous (because I was convinced that all boys were just as good at pretending as my parents were, especially when one of them turned out to be a psychopath. So not one of them seemed honest with me or had good intentions), most likely violent (I was abused at home, so i became paranoid that my dating partners will abuse me), and brutal (it was so obvious how not one of the boys I dealt with most were truly respectful). Add in AIDS and HPV and syphilis and other previously unknown STDs from Asia that my parents told me about and I was completely and utterly turned off from dating.
Friendships were accepted, but my parents always combed through my friends to make sure they weren't "degenerate". As for values, despite my rebellion against my parents in terms of on paper, I actually stuck with what they told me throughout my youth and 20s.
I have people pleasing tendencies that i am starting to get rid of, and I am good at hiding my true feelings because that was what was required to survive my family. As of now, I am going to therapy for these matters.
I can say what I can see in my partner- 2 things I've noticed is that he follows and talks about so many tiny rules …like….there's rules for everything , rules for things that I never knew of or knew that people actually followed. It's as if he's following a HUGE rulebook in life while the rest of us have been given a small list. He also verbally processes them ("I know I shouldn't……technically you're not supposed to….I guess it wouldn't be a big deal") as if he has to tell himself that breaking a tiny or silly rule as an adult probably won't cause a huge problem
the other thing that HE brought up is that he thinks he developed a sort of defiance disorder with them. He's so sick of their constant badgering (used to be micromanaging when he was living back home) of all of his life choices that now almost anything they ask him to do or recommend that he does- even good advice- he still won't listen just because it's coming from them. It's like he developed a bias against them
Nobody with sense wants to be around large crowds. Who wants to be cramped up with their body on another!? and you wonder how viruses and illness goes around. No, we need personal space. Also, avoiding eye contact is always seen as something bad when its not. Eye contact is intimate and I avoid it. But best believe I can see thru the peripheral and am quick to go in if need be.
CW/TW: child abuse (Sidenote: i basically wrote an essay)
Both of my parents were authoritarian not be confused with authoritative and it was hell. I was the scapegoat turned truth teller so I got the worst of it as I got older. No boys. No sleepovers. (I understand now it could be a breeding ground for predators so I'm not mad at it.) No cell phones. No dating until we were married 💀 no spicy movies or shows.
I remember getting a journal for the first time in the fifth grade. My parents found drawings of Nick and Joe Jonas and they had my journal somewhere. I remember finding it somewhere but when I came back to rescue it, they had moved it. So I will never know where are my first journal is.
Whenever I had homework about what I did during the weekend both of my parents said to lie. Nothing really crazy happened on the weekends per se but they were so controlling and paranoid. I'm so glad that they never adopted nor fostered. The social worker thought that me and my sister were too well behaved while playing. W social worker. L to my mother who strategically hit us so she left little to no marks. I was also small back then so she probably didn't want to break anything. She didn't hold back by the time I was 10. (Fuck… As I'm typing out all of this I'm about to reach out to my therapist for another session.)
There was a lot of physical abuse whenever my mother felt like it and my whole childhood I thought that my father was in cahoots with her on how she decided to beat me.
In later years after their divorce, he said he didn't know she was physically abusing me for my whole childhood. And it came up because I flinched at him one day but he wasn't even going to hit me. (Lol probably have CPTSD)
Back in 2021 she expressed that she regretted it but the damage is already done. She's also a textbook covert narcissist so I'm actually not sure she meant it. She was more than likely just trying to clear her conscience.
Anyway I'm 29 years young and I'm doing much better now than before but I still have a lot of work to do and recovery takes a lot of time.
Seek therapy if you can and unlearn the harmful bits and replace them with coping mechanisms that are healthy for you. Learn to truly love yourself as that's the only love that will get you through all other heartbreaks.
It wasn't your fault what happened to you and while you're alive you can make a difference for yourself 🖤
I make sure my steps are quite, that i dont make any sound while doing even silliest of the things like taking something from kitchen or cooking. The worst part is I do it even when I'm alone. I don't even realise it while doing
They destroyed my possibilities. They were more than strict. They were obstructive. They wouldn't let me have a job, wouldn't let me do afterschool programs (until my teacher lied and said it was for a grade), no dances, no friends allowed over, no answering the phone or door, wouldn't let me get my learner's permit, sabotaged my art scholarship by writing chores on my art submissions, kicked me out of the house my senior year, I was an AP student in every class, had the highest estimated ACT/SAT score of my class, I STILL graduated, albeit with way lower grades than I wanted, lost out on valedictorian due to their choices. They did not come to my graduation and lied and told the family I ran away for sympathy. They constantly put me into mental hospitals and had me on medications I told them made me feel off. I developed a fear of driving. I developed imposters syndrome, and felt helpless in shaping my own destiny as they had convinced me I was basically an immortal child. I am ambitious to a degree, but codependent and feel I cant do adulthood on my own. It sucks
My Mother Was Strict && My Father Mainly Backed Her Up With Everything 🤷🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️ We Have A Weird Relationship Since I'm The Scapegoat While My Older Sister Is The Golden Child But I Will Say This: There Needs To Be A Balance In Between Corporal Punishment && Gentle Parenting. Some Children Will Only Listen When You Take Things To Certain Extents.
I remember reading in the 90's in an Ann Landers column where this girl said that she and her sister were raised by very strict religious parents! They even had there bookbags inspected each day after school! Both sisters moved when they turned 18 and had no relationship with their parents! Somehow her father found out where she lived and when she got home one day he was waiting for her in her apartment living room! She was horrified and asked him to leave! He wouldn't so she called her boyfriend and he had to physically throw him out! Later she asked her landlord why he let a stranger into her home! He said, "Because he told him he was your father." She made a point to say in the letter that he could've been anybody, a stranger, a stalker, etc, but also that just because someone is a parent doesn't mean you have a relationship with him and want them in your home!
I was raised in a strict family and I have felt like I couldn't go to my parents even when I really needed them in certain situations.
I could write a novel 😒
Overall, you don't make friends easily, and you dont ever have much friends. As a child, your friends are the kids of your parents' friends so you don't really have a say with who you hang out with.
As an adult, if you're living with your parents, people don't invite you to stuff or hang out with you because they don't wanna have to deal with your parents and they make sure to let others know your parents are weird. You can't have people over because your parents don't give you privacy.
Yes you save a ton of money and stay out of trouble but your social/romantic life sucks. I'm willing to bet alot of people who had strict parents are lone wolves.
I can relate to many of these comments. I grew up with very conservative Christian authoritarian parents. I grew up being a people pleaser and unable to really speak up for myself. I’m also the oldest and my
mother was too hard on me to the point that people from our church said she was too hard on me and tried to talk to her about it. I also grew up COGIC (that’s another story for another day 😂) and to add the cherry on top I found out that I’m AuDHD in 2023.
Oh the stories I could tell. I’m grateful to be out and away from that mess. I don’t talk to my family. I have one sister I’m in communication with (I’m the oldest of 5) and I don’t speak to my mother. My dad passed away almost nine years ago. I’ve started a new life. The family you create is more important than the family you come from. ❤️
I had privacy I just didn't have an opinion and even if I did say my opinion it they just brushed over it like it didn't matter particularly my mom I don't like going outside really that much I don't try to make friends and part of that is not my my parents some of that is my own fault that comes from being bullied in the church and staying out of spaces that you shouldn't be in but but that's a whole another story I hope you do a video on black girls in white spaces that's a doozy im itself I also come to think of it I could go places I had non-Christian friends but the really weird part of it is I didn't have any Christian I was allowed to go places I had phone I didn't have anything about like you can't be on the phone you just going to be on the phone at a certain time
I had very strict parents. They drilled into us girls to be blindly obedient. Don't question their rules, and definitely don't display any emotion that shows you're not okay with it. The problem is that you send your girls into a world who prey upon submissiveness. Then, for years, without realizing it, you have blindly obeyed too many people. Men who like their women submissive usually do not have their best interest at heart. Anyone who values your submissiveness is usually putting their needs before yours. Life has taught me that. Mix in people pleasing, and you're basically shark bait.
My parents are super strict and they are dealing with how it impacted me via how I don’t talk to them. Even though I live with them, I avoid them and don’t like being around them at all.
Raised extremely strict, religious, and conservative. Now I’m a gay leftist with a former drinking problem lmaooo
I am 43 and I STILL think everyone around me knows better than I do, even kids!! 😢😭😭😵😵💫
I feel like a child in an adult body. I am currently in trauma therapy working through my childhood. It has seeped into every area of my life. I am PISSED at my parents. I love them but hate them, too.
I wasn't taught autonomy, boundaries, how to say no, how to be the best people pleaser….and this prepped me to marry a narcissist abuser. My parents SAT THERE as I was methodically erased, my self esteem bashed into a pulp. The very parents who didn't prepare me for adulthood NOW judge me that I'm in my 40's and I don't have a real career. 🤬🤬❤️
What the hell?
My father spanked us, both parents sent me to my room to cry for hours, NO ONE came to me to explain, or talk, no comfort or reconciliation so I was left thinking I was a worthless, bad kid. 😢 And in the morning? I'd fearfully walk to the kitchen and everyone acted like nothing had happened the night before. Swept under the rug.
Once, my father held me up against the wall with his hands around my neck.
I divorced my abuser, got judged by my parents, then finally moved away and they THINK I'll be involved with taking care of them in their old age….
THINK AGAIN parents.
Authoritarian father. I have battled low self esteem. I was a people pleaser to those who certainly did not deserve it, I struggled with perfectionism (never think my work/contributions are good enough) etc etc. I married a narc. The narc is gone annd it’s only now that I see the whole pattern and take joy in what I do.
Having an opinion was talking back. Having privacy was a pipe dream. My mom used to print out me and my siblings texts and read them aloud. She would open journals and notebooks and do the same. Keeping secrets was seen as betrayal. No sleepovers at all (must meet the parents, siblings, grandparents). So many human rights were granted and said to be privileges. Any struggles were equated to a joke, my mom is Caribbean so we got the story of I had to wash clothes by hand and walk with a donkey strapped to my back with five sibling in tow while trying to get to school on time with a hungry belly. So all my struggles were dismissed as fodder. My plan was to move out at 18 but living at home and witnessing dysfunction caused an emotional breakdown and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
Being a black woman a child teen Mom. Twice at 15 and 17. I have three sons my first two song I was very strict with them. They are wild. My youngest son not so strict. Excellent child couldn't ask for anything better. Very good street we have all A's went to college. Have a good job. Who is the youngest manager for Chrysler. The other two not so well. I totally believe it because I was so strict. Because I was so afraid for them being boys.. I wish I did things differently. With the two older ones. Even though they will say I was a great mother. You did nothing wrong mama. 😏😔🤷🏽♀️🙏🏽 I will tell anybody don't be so strict. Let them live.
I struggle to advocate for myself. I left home like a lamb to the wolves, no life skills or knowledge. Everything had to be learned the hard way.
Raised by strict parents here. Well, when i was a child, i counted every day until my 18s to leave the house and have my home. I felt like I was waiting my 18s to finally free myself and be me. I finally left at 19 and never regretted it. That's when i left that I learnt about life and adulting. I realized that my parents treated us like infants throughout our lives. I wasn't prepared to face the world AT all when i left the family home. I had to learn everything. I lacked many things.
My relationships with my parents were difficult too. Because they were only strict, authoritarian and nothing else. I had to find people to trust in the wild world, outside the family house. I could rely on my parents for financial questions, but regarding social, life, adulting, relationships, i had to learn from strangers. I couldn't express myself to my parents.
And regarding my personality, I am introvert, I have huge difficulties to say no and always try my hardest to please or convene people. I can't speak my mind easily bc as a child my brothers and i were taught to shut up and never respond or communicate our thoughts/feelings. I also hate making people uncomfortable and often sacrifice my piece for people's. I had to learn to know myself as soon as I turned 18 because i wasn't encouraged to do so before.
I only got yelling from my mother thank God there are laws and CPS now 😂😂😂😂
I think strict needs to be defined first. Cause I think alot of these comments aren't strict parents they are abusive/dictator parents.
My friends in middle school use to tell me my parents were strict. That was simply because they gave us chores,curfews,and household rules to follow.
Although we had rules to follow, we could still voice our opinions. Sometimes, my parents would compromise, other times they would be firm and explain why we couldn't do something.
Reading these comments always makes me sad and makes me appreciate my parents for being balanced individuals.
Having extremely strict parents makes for really great liars.
This is triggering because I grew up with my parents who weren’t strict(but would teach you good morals and values) and I was respectful but outspoken, confident and grew and explored without fear( I remember in elementary school I would always be picked to join debates because I was such a bold speaker) until I had to leave to live with my Aunt for school and my life flipped. I became a people’s pleaser, too unnecessarily tolerant and kinda a doormat. Strictness to me doesn’t do good, I don’t know what good it did to me because I’m someone who is already hard on myself so being extra strict without reason was just unnecessary.
I think a lot of us were still hearing that children are to be seen and not heard. I was seen, heard and felt. My mother hated every moment of it. What’s more, when I was 17, she told me she always knew I would be a problem because I was obstinate, hard to “control” and I didn’t give in. According to mi madre she really had to accept her fate when I was 4 and didn’t cry when spanked, so she kicked it up a notch to the point her hand was hurting and even then, I only gave “a tear”. I mean…🤷🏽♀️ Now, she spends a great deal of time listening to me tell her about what’s going wrong on earth and for her to stop supporting foolishness like church, patriarchy, standing on business with males and not eating certain foods. Needless to say, she’s still over it. But she does concede that I’m not lying, so there’s that.
I found "my" people😀 Very introverted, socially awkward, few friends, and it is difficult to make (?) a connection with a partner/find a partner (boyfriend)…
I have a hard time fighting for myself when I am clearly and definitively mistreated / abused. I was always taken advantage of, especially by women thinking I was building sisterhood when really I was put in place to fund and support their lifestyles. I don’t live anywhere near my family. Since moving I have gotten therapy but it’s still hard.
I’m highly disturbed by the “at least I didn’t get pregnant and I have good morals because of strict parents” stuff!
When you raise kids to have healthy self esteem and healthy boundaries and to believe in their innate goodness they often grow up to be good people. You don’t need to strip away children’s agency and autonomy for them to turn out decent. 😢
Most of the people saying that they are grateful probably didn't have overly protective or overbearing parents. They probably just had parents that made rules.
I am grateful for my strict father, as a teenager I always felt left out by friends who had more freedom and i was angry at him but now that I'm mature I thank him for he truly saw further than I could. I have achieved so much at a young age and I make well-thought-out decisions. Now I'm grown and I have the freedom I wanted but all I do in my free time is cook and sleep