What happens to the scapegoat in adulthood?
What happens to the scapegoat in adulthood?
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They are super nice kind and empath but.. they feel like bushing around too far. They will come back regarding what kind of consequences. Especially the financial struggle.
Being alone as a child seems to follow me around into adulthood. I am now 55 and still alone. I went no contact with my father except by post only. I was scapegoated as an only child, and my parents always lived in the middle of nowhere when I was growing up. I had no one to talk to and am the black sheep. No one checks in on me. I might has well checked out permanently, or joined the monestry and become a monk. No one would no.
It's weird being the scapegoat of a one child family.
We leave and never go back
My scapegoating was different.My mother did a great job of shielding me from a constant never ending narcissist father.A constant battle.She died at 48 cancer because of the stresss.
Once again you have put out a fantastic video. Even though I’ve read your book, watching this video opened my eyes even further. You are truly a gift to all of us who have suffered at the hands of others.
I’m wondering if I was an invisible child early on and as a teenager became a scapegoat. I was intensely shy and awkward socially. I had siblings 10,13, and 16 years older and my parents were in their forties when I came along. I was alone most of my days. I became part of my parents war when I was a teenager and suffered hearing my mother scream at my father and me every night after she had alcohol. My siblings did not help after I asked them to. Now I’m 64 with kids and husband I love but still haven’t gotten over feeling excluded from my family even though they’d deny that. Worried about how it may be affecting my kids, especially my daughter who has anxiety and depression. If you have any thoughts please help. Oh I got my counseling degree at 50. And have been in therapy off and on since 18. I think I feel my boys are ok but she reacted badly to me in high school. But our relationship seems much better. However I worry.
The worst thing about distancing from my narc sister is that I don’t have that relationship I would want with her kids (my beautiful nephew and niece)
They are forced to pay for lies of others.
This comment section makes me feel so seen. Just bawled reading it.
You just described me!! I started healing when I met my wonderful husband, who just loves and always loved me exactly the way I am. Then my kids let me experience the mother I wanted to have had. I enjoy every minute of our amazing time together, and with them I learned how to love without expecting anything. Very different than what I was used to as a kid.|
However, only now (my kids are 18 and 20), did I realize my childhood was not as wonderful I made it seemed! I told myself such an amazing story, about an amazing life, amazing parents, etc that I believed. So only now, I'm in the process of understanding my role in the family and saying NO. I don't want to see them or talk to them. If they come, or call me, I'm polite, but not ever again trying to please them to make them happy. They will never be happy because they don't want to change.
So I chose freedom.
But it's been the most painfull process I have ever experienced. Especially because one of the "rules" of our family is: family has to be always together, no matter what. But I got tired and now I'm starting to feel what real freedom is! Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for showing me that I am in the right track!
My life was wasted as I lived in a fog due to the scapegoating of my parents and nearly all of my relatives. I was an A student but never acknowledged for that. At 15, I got married and soon after had a baby. Later on, I went back to school and got an associate degree in nursing, but never really liked it. I wanted to be a writer. I briefly attended UNF and my English professor there told me that I should go for a Master's Degree in English. I wish I had done so. Most of my life I have struggled and so have my children and grandchildren. I have a son who died in early adulthood and a daughter who has not spoken to me in almost 20 years. In my sixties, I began to wake up. I am now 69, my mother died 3 years ago, and I am coming out of the fog. It isn't easy but I am grateful for every day and hope to be able to stop ruminating about my past because it prevents me from moving forward.
I WAS BORN LEGALLY BLIND AND THE ONLY BOY OF 10 SIBLINGS.
A FEW OF MY SISTERS HAVE MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY ABUSED ME MY WHOLE LIFE. BECAUSE THERE WOMEN IT'S EAISER FOR THEM TO PLAY VICTIM. MEN GET ABUSED, HARASSED, SEXUALLY ASSAULTED AND GO THROUGH EMOTIONAL ABUSE. TO FAVOR ONE MORE THEN THE OTHER IS WRONG AND SEXIST.
I AM A FAITH IN MY GOD ALWAYS HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL. AND HE WILL SHOW THE TRUTH.
( one of the hackers will respond to this and say something against what im saying. They will not have a real picture, nor will they have a lot of friends or subscribers on their page.)
I’m a scapegoat that ended up with copious amount of empathy so much that I would internally try to look past the narcs behavior to find any kind of light there.. only to find out.. Narcs love to suck you in make you comfortable then the second you even express any kind of boundary or inconvenience them in any way they will seek to devour every parcel of light you have left and then act like nothing happened and start the push pull cycle all over again and as an empath I always want to see the best in people .. the good news is I got push pulled for the absolute last time in a sick narc family dynamic.. I swear the narcs in the family gravitate towards each other like w wolf pack and can’t wait to destroy the scape goat… I finally saw enough and had enough to cut the cord for which it cannot ever be put back together because they don’t deserve access to me.. empathy is a blessing and a curse if we learn how to use it.. I love the work you have helped me so much.. for which cannot thank you enough
As the scapegoat and golden child, I experienced so many things from my mom, sister, men I dated , and my ex husband. The positive thing is that everything I learned actually turned into healthy everything.
As an Empath, these experiences took me to higher levels of empathy, human understanding , intuition, and the list goes on and on.
Their narcissistic behaviors and treatment towards me gave me strength and resilience, while they went the other way.
Walking away and having boundaries are the most healthy gifts I give myself… being true to Me. ❤
It doesn't help if you're a cripple too.
Sometimes all that's left is the darkness at the of the tunnel.
After my mom passed away, I left the family. So much inner fighting to this day… it will never return to these evil people. They still won't leave me alone.
When I was born, according to my mother, it was bad timing. So, she put me in a dresser drawer. When I was four, my adopted grandmother, a neighbor, my only safe person, was killed on the train tracks, coming to get me to bake cookies, my father blamed me. When I was seven, my brother and his best friend, both sixteen took turns raping me. My father blamed me. My mother took me to an ugly, old fat doctor and held my hand while he finger raped me. When I was twelve, I attempted suicide. There was much abuse, blame and isolation. In addition to the physical, there was verbal and emotional punishment. One of his favorites was to make me write "I am stupid" one hundred times. When I was eighteen, my partner and I decided, pregnancy was the only escape for both of us. We married, premature birth, she lived for twenty six hours. The priest said god was punishing me for having sex out of " wedlock" and because she wasn't baptized would spend an eternity in purgatory. I went home, stood up from my mother in law's table and hemorrhaged. Her response, "don't let her bleed on my carpet." A year later we had another daughter, with medical issues. When she was eight months and I was pregnant with our third daughter, my husband came home and informed me he had enlisted in the army. With less than two weeks to serve, I "got my boy home in a box.". I left and moved two thousand miles away. My second daughter died at twenty one. My third daughter died three years ago. I am now the only adult in her daughter's life. I will be seventy eight in two weeks. When does the pain end? As Helen Reddy sang, " Who mothers mama?".
What you don't talk about is how any of these roles can be adults with Cluster B personality, or, regardless of labels, any A-hole with abusive behavior, coupled with any BPD, or other Vulnerables, who are attracted, or fall into the gravity of the Abuser (or whatever f'ed up situation is inside an actual family with children etc.) because remember, any Vulnerable too cannot fill their own core needs, that's WHY this is a duality.
Many pwNPD are of course in Vulnerable mode, or fluctuating in the Persona, and inhabit the scapegoat role and probably in some shifty co-dependent relationship.
Vulnerables also often call themselves "The Empath" these days.
You must look much deeper into the human relational condition to understand why all of this is illusion, escape and fantasy.
Or just go on about "The Narcissist" and other buzzwords in these shallow waters of pop-psychology on YT, Quora etc. where introspection is sadly lacking.
"Did you know you can "tell" The Narcissist by the black dead look in their eye, and also sometimes literal demons float around them, and they can be seared by Holy Water, oh and also they HATE garlic and when you say this ONE simple thing to their face. Try this trick on your The Narcissist next, I guarantee you they will react EXACTLY like this: turn into a dark cloud and return to their source: EVIL! You will be able to hear a Demonic laughter if you listen closely" … Ugh.
This woman looks nuts herself every time she opens her eyes super wide all she’s missing is a butcher knife to be a horror movie
I was blamed so much for everything that when I moved out everyone was confused because things still went wrong. Lights were still left on occasionally by mistake, the electricity bill stayed the same, little things went missing etc etc . I was blamed for absolutely everything including being blamed for missing items that later showed up and then the narc mother pretended she never said anything and I was blamed for making things up.
Life changing ❤ thank you Dr. Ramani
I was scapegoated as a child. I found a man I love, moved overseas, and thought I’d have a fresh start. But his family wasn’t happy with me as soon as I set boundaries, and now I’m facing rejection. It took a while for my husband to recognize the dysfunction, and even now, he still struggles with being assertive. My mental health has been declining, and coping is getting harder and harder. I want to give up, but I can’t fail my children. Please pray for me.
Hi Dr Ramani, Would you be willing to do a video specifically on grandparents (narcissistic grandparent) who alienate their grandchildren from their parents (black-sheep parent), and the kind of family roles /systems /networks that enable this across cultures/social expectations? I hope this will help me understand how narcissism has affected me; I'm a parent (black sheep) who's healing from C-PTSD (and PCOS); I am white British but on my Mother's side we have some Sri Lankan ancestery – I'm asking you because your videos are very apt regarding cultural diversity .. Thank You for your helpful channel, and for allowing us to share as well as ask for videos we'd like to see. I've found so many videos online about Grandparents who say they've been alienated from their grandchildren by the parent/their adult-child, but I can't find any videos online about parents with narcissistic grandparent/s who alienate the parent (scapegoated parent/their adult-child) from their own child (grandparent's grandchild), which is what I'm interested in learning. Many Best Wishes and Thank You from the UK. 🙂
I am.❤ I am still hoping it gets better.
😢❤🎉
thinking it normal, so end up in the same or badder family
Scapegoats "sell their self short" I struggled with this many many times whenever promotion is on its way, and even after some achievements my parents would still make me feel not enough and even ridicule me. I'm on my way to therapy and a lot of memories of my childhood are resurfacing
I grew up thinking it was always my responsibility for the rest of my life to take care of my parents. yes to Depression, and lack of confidence. It wasn't until I moved away for several years, that I found I was very smart and capable of taking care of myself. Now I need the strength to make it through the recession in my very narcissistic neighborhood.
Here I am. The eldest. I was accused of always trying to control everything. I was the one who called the police. I knew right from wrong. I do have issues. I am a survivor. I am 60. I still focus on growth. Relentlessly chasing peace and healing. Your podcasts are a life line. Thank you