First born daughter and her unresolved trauma
First born daughter and her unresolved trauma
Lets talk about the first born daughter and everything in between.
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…… This explains a lot about my and my older sister`s traumas, we have young siblings, and we do have gone through most of these situations.
As a first born, I was juggling 3 jobs, punching bag for a father with daddy issues, therapist for a mother who is a classic textbook narcissist and parent to the younger sibling who believes the world revolves around her. The number of times my sister caused chaos and got off free but I would get cussed out for being unable to do the dishes because I was sick. "Why are you sick when you have responsibilities?"
Yh.. facts & more
what about middle girls with only brothers? Is it kinda the same?? 😅😅
I'm a first born daughter with a last born son relationship and I am perpetually putting his emotions wayyy too far ahead of my own. I'm working toward focusing on myself ❤
6 min in , she is describing my childhood in the Carribbeans. First born, strict rules that my brother 1 year younger didn't have to follow. 14 years later my stepbrother is born. Bottles at night, changing nappies, holidays day care 😢.
I’m an oldest daughter who was in a relationship with a man who was an only child. My god. The level of SELFISHNESS and IMMATURITY was astounding. But, because I’m used to tantrums, I stayed entirely too long … to the tune of 6 years.
That section about school, oof. I’m the oldest daughter and told my parents throughout my childhood that I thought I had ADHD and they constantly shut the claim down. Spoiler alert: I have ADHD 🥴 My struggle with school was not just my struggle but a failure to set a good example for my little sister. Because I was also mom jr. I then felt like I was failing at that too.
I have never clicked a video because of the title so fast. I feel so seen already
I am in a weird position where I'm the youngest but I'm the oldest/only daughter (extra frustrating because I'm trans so not even a daughter) so there's this perception that I'm spoiled and I'm the favourite but at the same time I have never been given basic human respect, my parents buying me things doesn't make up for them shoving everything onto me and treating me like I'm inhuman and not affected by all the stuff piled onto me. My oldest brother resents me intensely because our mother didn't hit me as much as she did him (she did awful things to me too for the record) and he goes on and on about how spoiled and favoured I am, meanwhile when she got dementia he told me it was all on me to take care of it. I was 19 and this man is in his 40s, so is our other brother, + my dad is a doctor, but no it's all on the 19 year old to take care of an elderly disabled person who I was afraid of from years of mistreatment. She passed before things got too bad and before I could be forced into the nurse role fully. It's just wild to me how I relate with other people dealing with eldest daughter bullshit when I'm the youngest. The family would rather have me bear the burdens than the full grown adult siblings with mortgages.
I didn't have younger siblings to take care of but my mother made me responsible for her emotions and acted like a stubborn toddler constantly.
My father always says "I knew how to raise children before I had her", one of my brothers is high care needs autistic and very difficult but no, I'm the confusing one for simply being female, not to mention he's an obgyn/gynecologist so he works with women all day for like 30 years before I was adopted. They literally treat me like a different species from day 1. Also I'm black and my whole family is white so that my play into the way they other me.
1:46
As a first born son who was just cast away and not cared for when the second son was born, I beg to differ…
37:27 I'm the last born son and nearly every girl I've ever dated was the eldest daughter and an immigrant. How you describe them all is so accurate. I've dated girls who were the eldest daughters from Mexico, Thailand, India, and Ivory Coast. They're all the same: overachieving, emotionally unstable, counter-dependent, ruthless, but also responsible, efficient, and conscientious. Also, all of them were touched inappropriately when they were a little girl so that just made things much more difficult. I had to be more of a psychologist and spiritual guide than a boyfriend. They find me attractive because, as the youngest, I'm imaginative, carefree, and I give them a safe space to escape from the world. Eldest daughters have all their achievements, social image, and money but, on the inside, they're suffering. They're attracted to the image of a man who's materially wealthy and powerful but what they actually need is a man who's spiritually holy, compassionate, and well-versed in psychology.
I agree that expecting children to take care of adult responsibilities is wrong. And perhaps it is most common with the first born female. However, I’m not sure this is only a first born girl or even a poc thing. I have watched this play out in white families as well. It’s especially prevalent in conservative religious communities, at least it is in the United States. The worst one I ever saw was actually the third born child who was the second born girl. She had the responsibility for the entire family and home, including her two older and two younger siblings who had no expectations of them at all. She would get in trouble if everything wasn’t done around the house and basically raised her two younger siblings as if she was their mom. The two oldest siblings simply sat and watched her do it all.
She currently lives the most successful life of all of them and has the highest education level, but their parents still act like she’s somehow a disappointment. It’s bizarre and infuriating.
You know, this might be the source of my perfectionism. I really hope I won't perpetuate this on my own kids, even though I am unsure if I want any
This interesting and incredibly sad. I am curious though, what do the parents do while the first daughter does all that?
Interestingly I find the idea of parents wanting sons while still existing on some level is not as pronounced among my community (primarily white new england US) as what tanya is describing. Its still a thing that happens but its more of the exception than the norm for parents in my community to have notable gender preferences. usually the only time i see parents be disapointed by the gender is when their first two kids are the same gender and the 3rd is also that gender and it goes both ways for that and is honestly understandable and not neccesarily against one gender.
You bring up a lot of great points. I know I have privileges others do not just because the amount of pigment in my skin, which is wildly unfair to humans in general, but I still experienced a ton of "inside the home" adultification that I never realized. Any time I tried to get a parents help handing a sibling I got "how old are you and how old are they" like it was my job to just figure it out. When I moved out at 18 they thought I could never last on my own. What did they think I was doing for the last 10 years of my life? But yeah, I think this kind of content is super important. Keep up the good work!
My mom was not the 'first born daughter' but her older sister was over 10yrs older than her so she ended up playing the role for most of her younger siblings (she had 5 younger siblings).
She had to raise her younger siblings, and basically fending for herself since 16 & sacrificed a lot to get her younger siblings through school, help them out financially etc. etc.
Luckily my parents did well for themselves so we had hired help when i was younger & i never had to take on those truly 'adult' responsibilities with my little brother.
My mom's in her 50's now & i think she's exhausted & just wants to retire from this 'care-giving' role. ( I think she very much deserves it).
The only issue is she wants me to be her replacement. She expects me to carry her cross & i think she resents me for avoiding it.
My younger sister is still blaming me for forgetting to pick her up from school that one time when we were younger. First as you said I forgot… ONCE. Second, blame the woman who gave birth to you, that was her job and I couldn't care less that she had to work, she chose the life and the responsabilities she got. And third, please feel free to forget that I actually raised you people When I was a child myself.
That was some time ago and it still aggravates me when I think about what she said to me. I think I cried of anger inside, a little bit.
It's one thing to have an african parent who treat you like their unpaid maid/nanny and it's even more hurtfull when the rest of the family goes along with it. I am done with all of them and I don't care to be the eldest and be the "exemple".
Bye, for fucking ever.
The first-born daughter is the eldest daughter, it doesn't mean that she is the actual first-born child. A son could be born first, then a daughter second, and that daughter is the first-born daughter aka eldest daughter. And she will still face all the crap as a daughter who was the first child to be born.
I’m the first born but luckily my bro was born 17 years later so I never experienced this. However I have seen and heard this so much and I definitely agree that first born daughters should be pissed. If u did not birth that child then that child is not ur responsibility. Women seriously need to stop that. Then they wanted why daughters go no contact then choose to not have kids. How pathetic that society HATES girls and women yet everyone want to depend on us for everything. It’s disgusting and the black communitttaayyy is TOXIC AF.
I almost never comment on videos but this one really spoke to me. Thank you so much for your content, you’ve found a new subscriber in me 🫶🏾
The first born girl in African family is basically the CINDERELLA of the of the family. She does everything, get blamed and punished for everything and if care is not taken she may not even do better than her siblings. So she ends up being bitter and hurt . African mothers needs to listen to this video.
This is what peace feels like. 😭😭😭 #noncontact
as the first born daughter in my family, i felt really seen by this video. it's frustrating to me when people (especially family) get annoyed at me for not being able to let loose or just not express myself freely. i know they're concerned, especially my parents, but at the same time the reason i'm this way is because my parents have always enforced the idea i HAVE to be mature even as a child BECAUSE i'm the oldest. so of course i took it seriously. i can never "act my age" because i'm always wavering between too mature for my age or too childish for my age because i never felt like i was given that flexibility.
Whew this hits hard. It took me 29 years to fully realize that I have so much anger towards my father and such deep betrayal from my mother. Angry at my dad for not doing his job as a husband which meant I had to be a therapist for my mom and hear her talk NONSTOP All day about how much she hates him & her life. It would be in one ear, out the other until I turned 12/13 and started to see it for myself. He would disrespect her and I would stand up against him to defend my mother & get beat for it. I feel such deep betrayal from my mother because I sacrificed my innocence & childhood to be her therapist, emotional support & narcissistic supply only to get bullied so bad by her. She always criticized me and said the most soul shattering insults that completely broke my confidence. I feel betrayed by her because I thought me being there for her emotionally and knowing all the family secrets meant she loved me & we had a special bond but really she was using me to make herself feel better & cope. I can say this because she NEVER returned the favor to me. If I was going through something, she’d either blame me for it, throw it back in my face later or just say it’s no big deal. She can’t see past her own pain. And still to this day, it never seems like she’s truly happy for me. No matter what I accomplish she either lectures me or warns me not to fuck it up. She only brags about me to other people cause it makes her look good to have a successful daughter. But she would never praise me to my face. I’m just figuring all this out now and it’s been so hard to know how to deal with it. When I try to address it my parents get so angry. Sometimes I feel like I have no choice but to go no contact
Thank you for this sis. You nailed it 💛
The friends scene really reminded me of this one time where my dad came to me, and all my siblings ( i have 3 little brothers) about our dog shitting on the floor. What irks me the most about this is he said that he was the most disappointing in me, compared to my brothers, because out of all of the siblings, he expected me to be the one to clean it. He told me I should feel happy that I have more expectations of me that he thinks I’m better, so he thinks I should be able to do more, and it comes from a place of pride. But it’s exhausting having to essentially be perfect and to react the best and your parents think they’re doing the right thing. watching as you have chores and your brothers don’t, but when you stop doing your chores, it’s like why aren’t you helping around the house? But there’s three other people who could also be helping and they haven’t said anything to them???? or how I’m the only one who’s really expected to go to college, I dropped out, and my dad, so sad about it, or at least, was for a while. It doesn’t expect any of my brothers to go to college, and he’s actively giving him other things to do. But expected me to get a professional job specifically in nursing or doctor or lawyer. I just want to live. I remember being nine years old and being so proud of myself for wanting to get rid of all my toys cause I had to be grown up now. I was nine and I miss those toys at 21. Girls should be encouraged to have fun the same way guys are allowed as kids.
Funny how everyone wants sons b/c they’re supposed to “advance the family”, but then they end up all leaning on the 1st born Girl for all that money and advancement.
Literally the oldest of five…it was hell! They blamed me for everything!!! Getting 4 kids up at the age of 12/13!!! Sick of it! I went through a rebellion & was shamed heavily for it! Still to this day I don’t have the best relationship with my mother.
As the oldest daughter… I had to raise my two you her siblings, translate for my parents, help them managed their bank accounts/bills, remember their passwords, cook, clean, help my siblings… etc the list goes on. Also my parents were very strict so I wasn’t able to go anywhere but school. Living like this really takes a toll on. I turn 18 in some months and I can’t wait to leave. My childhood has been disintegrated and I want to at least live some of it being free.
Literally not finished with the video and getting very emotional. I wish I had to live a normal teenage life. All I had were my academics and pretend motherhood. I cannot remember anything in where I had a fun normal life. Anyone out there struggling like me, just leave and build that normal life of freedom. ❤️